Disclaimer: Trying to explain what anxiety feels like to somebody who has never experienced it is like trying to describe the taste of water.

Everyone has anxiety of some sort. It’s considered normal to feel anxious before taking a test or going in for a job interview. But when you’re diagnosed with generalized anxiety with panic disorder it takes anxiety to another level. Anxiety becomes a problem when it starts to affect your day to day life. Or in my case when It causes me to suddenly lose consciousness from over stimulation of my senses. The first time I fainted was on stage in the second grade at my chorus rehearsal. I didn’t even know what the word anxiety meant. I had a variety of tests done and no doctor could quite explain why exactly this was happening to me. It’s embarrassing really, because since the age of 8 I have been passing out without warning. Mind you, I am now 22 years old. Every time I think I have this under control I end up in another situation that causes me to faint.Yeah, not exactly the kind of thing you want to tell somebody when you first meet them. But, better they be prepared incase ya know? These episodes are usually followed by nausea, vomiting, and a whole lot of fear. Over time I have gotten a little more experienced about these episodes, and I’ve since learned the signs that one is coming. How do I feel when this is happening to me? Well, terrified would be an understatement. I can feel my body shutting down and it shakes me up every single time. I know when its over I’ll wake up. “But what if you don’t?” My conscious is screaming in my head. While it is all phycological its far beyond my control. The second I acknowledge its happening it gets even worse. Allow me to walk you through what doctors say is the “WORST type of anxiety”…

Its always out of the blue when I least expect it. I start to feel nauseous. This is then followed by heat flashes starting in my head and traveling down to my feet in a wave. This will happen simultaneously as my  senses begin to over stimulate. The senses are the worst part. Every single noise sounds so much louder than it actually is. The smells are stronger. So strong I can hardly breath. And everyone around asking me if I’m ok is enough to send me to the bathroom. The feeling of my boyfriends hand rubbing my shoulders to “relax me” is making me want to vomit. I begin to have an increased awareness of my heartbeat and this is then followed by the worst of it… Syncope. More commonly known as fainting. I drop to the ground wherever I might be. The floor of a bathroom stall, a wet grassy field, the passenger seat of a car, a boardwalk, an airplane, a shower… You name it. I’ve probably fainted there.

I know I’m not the only person out there who suffers with anxiety. But I do know that I’m one of few who spirals out of control and passes out whenever it gets to be too much. Just typing this blog post makes me nervous. But people have overcome this before. This can’t be the rest of my life. I hope that one day it’s all just a memory.

“This too shall pass.”

1 thought on “My anxiety is giving me anxiety.”

  1. I grew up with my sister doing this same exact thing. It would freak me out all the time we could be anywhere and this would happen. She started this in kindergarten and continued through adulthood. She would get to the point of seizing and she also could feel it coming on and would lay down before falling. Later in adulthood, they came to the conclusion that it was anxiety and she was put on meds too. But still, would pass out until now she has it under control. She would get it bad when standing in lines and when talking to others. I know the feeling to a certain extent. I have anxiety too just now it has gotten worse since getting older. But I’ve never passed out and hope I never do. It is a very scary thing and scary for the people around you to this day if she passed out in front of me I would still probably freak out because of how scary it can be. Hope it get’s better like I said I have never done this but have been on the opposite side when this happens and know this is very scary.

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